GARTH "TEX" McHENRY
HOW TO SPEAK TEXAN,
THE LONE STAR DICTIONARY OF COLLOQUIALISMS
AIDING THE NATION TO A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF THE BOYS (AND GIRLS) FROM THE LONE STAR STATE.
For those of you who were not blessed with genealogy
That traces back to Texas roots, (you're in the boat with me!)
That is to say, I was. I'm now related to 4 Texans,
Who crawl across my floor while wearing nothing but a Stetson.
I wasn't born in Texas, but I met a girl from there
And after that, I'll have you know, boy, I was on a tear.
I got in my Toyota and I made them horses run.
(Which is as close to ranchin' as most anything I've done!)
I noticed when I got here that the accents and expressions
Were just what I was looking for. They made a great impression.
And though a few might seem quite strange, I've picked up all I could
And wrote them down for you to learn, so you could sound as good!
"We've howdy'd but we ain't shook yet." Is clear to mean we've met
But not been form'ly introduced. You understand I bet.
If someone's "tighter than the bark up on a tree." You'll find
They ain't exactly generous, they ain't the giving kind.
When told "The engine's runnin' but there ain't nobody drivin'."
They won't be talkin' bout me if there planning on survivin'.
I don't mean to sound threatening, I'm not so big and hearty,
But such talk is "As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party"
Some think "the sun comes up each morning just to hear them crow."
But "they're as full of wind as corn fed horses," don't you know.
They're best described "all hat no cattle," Let the windbags lie,
Cause "just 'cause chickens have wings doesn't mean that they can fly!"
A friend of mine, he got a gal to straighten up his place,
Although "them two ate supper 'fore they started sayin' grace."
Yes she's a purty thing 'though he looks like his dog's been keepin'
Him underneath the porch. (Shur hope it's dark where they're a' sleepin'!)
"She's tongue enough to fill 10 rows of teeth as big as triscuits."
But "puttin' your boots in the oven sure don't make 'em biscuits."
Yes she will argue endlessly until he just says "Nope."
"It's time to paint your butt and go run with the antelope."
By now it must be clear that "this ain't my first rodeo,"
That I have grown to love this state; its landscape's high and low.
It may be "so dry, trees are bribin' all the dogs" I see.
But now I am a Texan and a Texan I will be.
© 2003, Garth McHenry
This poem may not be reprinted or reposted without permission.
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