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At the risk of our reputation and that of a number of poets, musicians, Western movie stars, and (otherwise upstanding) citizens of Kanab, Utah, we bring you a look on the  Ranch Wife Fashion Show that was staged at the Western Legends Roundup in August, 2004.

Among the beauties who took part are Kanab's Cowboy Poetry Rodeo Arena Boss Sam Jackson; Western Legends Roundup Head Honcho Robert Houston; Western movie stars Bruce Boxleitner, Marty Kove, and Gregg Palmer; Kanab dentist John Schmutz; Roger Cutler; Kanab poet Doug Keller; "Standra" Herl; and poets Charles Williams and Jay Snider (veterans of the fashion show circuit).  R. W. Hampton was an innocent bystander

Yvonne Hollenbeck and Andy Nelson produced this extravaganza, which was first performed in Fort Worth in July, 2004, at the Academy of Western Artists' trade show.  A report on that event and its cast of characters are here.

Photos are courtesy of Andy Nelson except where noted.  Selected fashions from Goodwill, Winslow, Arizona.

Does it have anything to do with Cowboy Poetry?  Please don't ask.

Below:

The Show

The Participants

More...

 


RW Hampton and the gals

 


 

The Show

Ably emceed by Andy Nelson, the script goes something like this ...

There's a group of cowboy types,
that are really cowboy’s wives;
And they dress all up and strut their stuff 
and show up all us guys.  

Well, I’ve done a lot of research 
and
I feel I should explain
That the clothes they wear in public 
and on the ranch are not the same.

 Now, I'm not makin' fun, 
although their clothes are kinda rogue;
but I'm sure they'd never make it 
in a magazine like "Vogue!"

I’ve obtained some of their garments 
and I’ve found out where they shop;
…got professional models, 
just to show you what is hot.

So folks, get out your cameras, 
and sit up in your chair,
'cause you're about to see first-hand 
what ranchwives really wear!

Here’s “Protruding Prolapse Paula;” 
she models “Calving Wear”
(She’d look a might bit better,
if she’d get a cleaner pair)

And something that she’s added, 
and quite handy, I believe;
with one quick yank she can remove 
the bulky A-I sleeve!

And when calving time comes around, 
she won't be caught off guard
those OB sleeves will accent 
any
outfit in the yard.

Farnam made her silver chain, 
its purpose is two-fold;
She slips it off and uses it 
when calves are needin’ pulled.

Ahhh…Here’s Biscuits ‘n Gravy Gertie
she’s wearing “Dinner Wear”
she’s sure to clean her hands off 
and to tidy up her hair.   

You won’t find lacy aprons 
or a big stiff white chef’s hat
when cookin’ for a brandin’ crew
…no need for stuff like that.

She don’t have Martha Stewart 
or that Julia Child look,
but I’d match her to ‘em anyday 
cause she can darn-sure cook.

Her apron isn't fancy, 
but has a duo-purpose, hence...
..in springtime she can use it 
when she needs to help fix fence!

'Cause one thing that a ranchwife does, 
especially in the spring
is help go 'round the fences 
and to help repair the thing.  

 Stretchmark Stella’s wearing 
what she calls "Barbed Wire Wear" 
these clothes protect the property, 
and require little care.

The view is not obstructed 
as she ventures out to work
but "things" might be much better 
if she wore a bigger shirt.

But heck, she could go nude 
when fixin’ fence that’s on the ground
cause when she needs some help 
she knows that no one comes around. 

AND WHEN WE SPEAK OF “MEAL TIME” 
there is once or twice a year
when hubby takes her out to eat, 
so she has special gear
to wear to town when dining out, 
although we must concede,
it’s usually just for pancakes 
at the local Feed and Seed.

 

“Get-In-The-Truck Trudy”
 will not pass a chance
to eat in town, a special treat 
when you live on a ranch.

But she must look presentable, 
so wears the best she's got
 I'm sure you folks will all agree, 
she's lookin' darn-right HOT!

She did the chores up early 
so they would not be late
and musta tore her dress 
when she got out to get the gate.

 

And while we’re on the subject 
of things a-lookin’ HOT
Frolickin’ Frieda likes to show 
ol’ hubby what she’s got.

She’s slipped on something sexy 
and has combed her ratty hair
and tries to wake up hubby 
who is snorin’ in his chair

‘Cause on that rare occasion,  
maybe once or twice a year,
her husband gets a notion 
for some “action” with his dear.

So she must dress up special 
for that five-minute interlude
tween watchin “Law and Order” 
and the station’s local news.

Ahhh, "Mail order Milkmaid Malinda"
she’s the one you usually find
directly from the want ads 
. . . the lonely rancher kind;

and when she first arrives 
she often dresses up the part
but soon her city clothes are traded 
in for ratty old carharts.

 But often gals like this 
don’t stick around a ranch too long
cause when he wants a cook, 
she usually cooks a batch of gone.

 They won’t come to Wyoming
competition is too steep
with all those wild women 
and a country full of sheep!

 

Remember Frolicking Frieda 
in her frisky nightly wear?
Well, what man could resist 
running fingers through this hair?

“Not tonight I have a headache Hilda”
 might not snuggle up real tight,
but she’s dressed to slip outside 
and check the heifers late at night.
 

She has a couple pockets 
where she stashes late-night snacks
to pacify her hunger pains 
till she can make it back.

I know by now you’ve figured out 
that ranchwives really care
about the latest styles 
and the clothes they choose to wear.

But sometimes when you live out 
in the boondocks, I suppose
you soon don’t give a rat’s patoot 
about the latest clothes.

So “Do it yerself Diana” 
dawns the casual look, you see;
and now you folks will know 
just how the layered look should be.

She gets ideas at Walmart 
as she sets there in a chair
and watches casual styles 
on the ladies shopping there.


Photo by Linda Kirkpatrick

And just as spring approaches 
and bird songs fill the air,
thoughts turn to draggin’ meadows 
in her fancy tractor wear.

The one thing that the ranchwife hates 
and what will cause a fight,
is driving that darned tractor 
and she must dress just right.

She starts out early morning 
when a chill is in the air;
she bundles up in coveralls 
and adds an extra pair.

And usually as the day goes on, 
the temperature has changed
so has Johnny-Popper Jeanie 
as she chugs along the range.

She has to run a grease gun, 
and she has to check the oil,
the water and the Prestone 
when she discs and tills the soil.

By afternoon, the sun gets hot 
and Jeanie gets hot too,
she has to shed her overcoat 
and bulky overshoes.

Now, just when you was thinking 
that a ranchwife don’t dress up;
well, you just wait ‘till Sunday 
and she’ll go to church and strut.

You’ll find her in the choir loft, 
tho she can’t sing a lick;
she sits there so to look down 
on the rest a little bit.

She catches up on gossip, 
on the gospel, and the news,
then slips out of her Sunday best 
back in to faded blues.

We know that Sunday’s set aside 
for folks a day of rest,
but not if you’re a ranchwife
on the range out in the West!

 

But folks, there's one last model, and it would be a sin
to not include Roberta, she is Robert Houston's twin!

In fact, they are identical...don't know which one was born first;
comparing nuts to bolts I think that Robert is the worst.

You might not like her slippers, but folks here is the scoop:
"She has to wear 'em branding to keep her feet out of the poop!"

Besides her duties cuttin' calves, she does a whole lot more,
'cause feeding all her children is another needy chore.

She's sure a darned good milker...the neatest thing you ever saw
is this handy nipple-converter in her custom farm/ranch bra!

They claim she's cut ten thousand calves...at least that many sheep
and fixed a cheatin' husband once when he was sound asleep.

They say that men are 'fraid of her, they fear her like no other;
but you would scare men too if you had Robert for a brother!

And if you'd like some oysters, she has lots of them to share,
as Raunchy Roberta models this year's "Brandin' Wear."

Now our Fashion Show is over and we've run a little late,
but in case you stick around . . . Roberta's looking for a date!

© 2004, Andy Nelson and Yvonne Hollenbeck, All Rights Reserved


Presented at Western Legends Roundup – 2004

 By

Andy Nelson/Yvonne Hollenbeck
Productions – a division of
Clear Out West Radio
Pinedale , Wyoming

where men are men and the sheep
are restless!

The quiet, innocent, back-woodsie (and
somewhat creative) production crew.


 

 

Featuring:   

Calving Wear (Complete with AI and OB sleeve)
MODEL:  "Protruding Prolapse Paula" (Roger Cutler)

Dinner Wear (What a Ranchwife wears to "make" dinner)
MODEL:  "Biscuits 'n Gravy Gertie"  (Gregg Palmer)

Barbed Wire Wear (Clothes that still protect the property, but don't
obstruct the view!)
MODEL:  "Stretchmark Stella"  (John Schmutz) 

Evening Wear (The "wear" that is donned when hubby takes you out)
MODEL:  "Get-in-the-Truck Trudy"  (Bruce Boxleitner)

Frisky Wear (For that five minute time span between "Law and Order" and the
10 o'clock news, when papa is ready for a little action!)
MODEL:  "Frolickin' Frieda" (
Jay Snider)

Milkmaid Malinda (Complete with home breast reduction kit)
MODEL:  "
"Mail order Milkmaid Malinda"  (Sam Jackson 

Flannel Wear (Can replace Evening Wear, Barbed Wire Wear, and Frisky Wear at
any time for no apparent reason!)
MODEL:  "Not tonight I have a headache Hilda" (
Charles Williams)

Who Cares? Wear  (For those moments when you just don't give a Tinker's Damn WHO sees you wearin' WHAT!)
MODEL:  "Do it Yourself Diana"  (Marty Kove)

Tractor Wear (The 57 layers of clothes you put on and take off during the course of a day on the tractor, to compensate for the 80 degree temperature boomerang between 5 am and 9pm)
MODEL:  "Johnny-Popper Jeanie" ("Standra" Herl

Sunday Wear (What the ranchwife wears to church on Sunday...when she's not busy calving, fencing, moving cattle, checkin' pastures, haying, or cooking)
MODEL:  "Sister Bertha Betterhtnayou"   (Doug Keller)

Brandin' Wear (The "cutting edge" of ranchwife clothing complete with appropriate accessories)
MODEL:  "Nasty Roberta Houston"  (Robert Houston)

 

More...

 


Even Pat Richardson  couldn't stomach it.
Photo by Jeri Dobrowski

 

www.cowboypoetry.com

 

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